Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The power of my boobs compel you
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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