All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
