omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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