I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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