I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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