Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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