You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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