Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize