I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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