Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize