Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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