my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
