My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i was born a porn star she said
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
