So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
