I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize