cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
