He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
