I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize