a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
