I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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