i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize