Do you still have your period?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I have already put on my inside pants.
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