So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
