I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
