What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
