You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
