Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
