love makes seman taste better
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
