I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
