I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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