he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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