I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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