I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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