mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
