if you like me you must not know who I am
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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