i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
