Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
