I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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