Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
