She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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