she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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