Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
