I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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