i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
