i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
