I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
