Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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