I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize