Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
