oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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