I think I won the penis lottery.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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