I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
