i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
