Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
