Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone signed my nipple.
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