My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
