Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize